A fire has started on your home lot!

I decided it may be time to calm down on the murderin' for a bit. I have three pregnant Branches, a pending wedding, and a new child. I decided now was a good time to just let the Branches be their dumbass selves for a while. After all, I don't want to wipe out the facility too quickly. (Well, I do, but I have a lot more in store for these beasts.)

More importantly, it gives me the opportunity to do shit like this:

Nothing like a blowjob from the cowplant to start your morning right.

 AH SHIT! The cowplant has caught some growth enhancing venereal disease from you, you disgusting pig.

What have you done, Branch?!

*Ahem* Sorry about that. The rest of this post will be dick-free. 

The morning after the closed pool, I watched the Branches go about their business of making the kitchen ever filthier. Upon finding that the last rotten waffle had been taken from the pile on the floor, Branch decided that he needed some mac and cheese.


And all hell broke loose.

"A fire has started on your home lot!" Why am I not surprised? I've spent all of this time hoping that he would do something tragically dumb on his own, and now that I want a little down time, he decided to comply.

Fuck you, Branch.

 Normally, it is about this time that I realize that I forgot to purchase a smoke detector, but it was actually a conscious decision this time.

 Yes, move in a little closer...

You would think that at least one of these assholes would take some initiative and start putting out the flames.

 I'm still expecting too much from this guy.

 Why does it suddenly smell like bacon frying? Oh, Branch's ass is on fire.

 There's a damn good chance that this smelly fucker doesn't even know where the showers are, and I certainly wouldn't expect him to be willing to take one even though it would save his life.

 It was about here that the round of pissing themselves started, and a ghost caught on fire. I've never caught a ghost on fire (our very first dead Branch). Can they die again? Do they come back as a different ghost or a normal sim?

Also note the bitch passed out over there to the side. Wuss.


Surely you assholes will do something soon to save your lives, right?

 Guess not. The fire has finally started to work through Branch's protective layer of waffle-based fat and ass grease, and he's starting to feel the burn.

 I don't even know who is on fire anymore.

 Piss on him! That'll put out the fire!

This is roughly the moment that I realized that dirty dishes are flammable. This shit is going to to go up like a can of gas on a bonfire any damn minute now. Fearing a total loss, I directed some of the Branches to extinguish the fire while another phoned the fire department. Escaping the facility now is far too easy for them.

 After a large amount of dicking around and hitting on the firefighters, they actually started trying to put out the flames.

 Do you really think it is wise to fart at death, Branch? I guess this means that I did lose someone in the chaos.

As if the fire and the death weren't enough excitement, Branch chose this moment to double over and start screaming about his ripping sphincter muscles. Of course the baby would come now.

 Oh, that's why. Apparently seeing your boyfriend/lover/baby daddy/sperm melt like a giant lard candle will send you into ass labor. The more you know...

 As expected, Branch was a total wimp about his death. "Please don't take me! My baby is about to be born! I have a full life of pissing people off ahead of me!"

I took this opportunity to attempt to get Grim naked because I thought this scene would be far more compelling if Branch was begging in front of a naked Grim with a giant boner. Alas, Grim doesn't have a naked outfit. A terrible oversight on the part of EA.

 After his near...umm re-death experience (?), ghost Branch could no longer take the stress.

 It's just like taking a really large shit. Shall I grab you some Preparation-H?

Welcome to the world, Branch Timbley. It's a shame your life is destined to be shitty and short.

 On the other side, I've made enough room to add one more set of remains. They're adding up quick.