A Deal with the Dumbass Fairy

I've decided to make a little deal with Branch. I don't really need to kill both of them in one go, so if he can make it back inside on his own, I'll let him live. I even knocked a hole in the fence and woke him up. Never say that I am not a thoughtful sim god.

The timer starts now, Branch. I'd get moving rather than flying around on your little wings. 

 Cold? I imagine you are. Perhaps this will teach you to keep your pants on.

Your plodding along isn't going to get you there in time, Branch. Perhaps you should use the momentum of your rolls to get some speed.

 Things aren't looking good for our least favorite fairy.

Awww! Thanks for playing, but it looks like you haven't won the prize today. 

 A tale of deep frozen lovers.

Actually, the deal still stands, Branch. If you can make it inside on your own, I'll let you live. It's a shame your jowls are frozen to the floor of the honeymoon hut.

I've never had the opportunity to freeze a sim to death, and I wasn't sure how long it would take. Like a dumbass, I spent many sim hours waiting for these Branchsicles to kick the bucket. Realizing it was apparently going to take a long damn time, I finally decided to venture back inside the BTMCBF to see what the other idiots were up to.

 WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?!?! I am NOT ok with this. I will murder your ass six ways to Sunday, but I will not have child brides in this facility. Luckily, vows were not exchanged prior to my return, and I continued my inspection of the facility. 

As expected, all of the baby Branches were stewing in puddles of their own filth. Surprisingly, a couple had been placed in cribs, but they were still being thoroughly neglected and ignored by the residents. Obviously, I'm going to need a little help keeping the Branches in line and caring for the multitude of Branch spawn.

Thanks to BLOODIEDHELL, we can now welcome a new temporary resident of the facility: Mastema Kahler. 

While Mastema is not your typical babysitter, he is obviously what the facility requires at a time like this. His mere presence caused the Branches to scurry around and tend to the infants. However, after mere moments in the facility, Mastema reached his breaking point with all of the baby Branch screeching, and he was forced to let off a little steam.


This very athletic fairy found an acceptable substitute for the lack of working fitness equipment in the facility.
(I'm not going to say that Mingham-Smith suggested that I kick Branch babies around, but he totally did.)

That's quite a leg you have, Mastema. Well done!

"Shaddup, you mutant little butt burrito!"

 

What I didn't know is that if you kick a baby hard enough, you'll bring about its birthday. 

 Following the excitement of his birthday, baby Branch resumed his screeching nearly instantly.

Mastema instantly lamented the fact that the sim god has not purchased University, and he is therefore unable to use the little turd's head as a bowling ball.

I'm just as sorry as you are, Mastema.


Two days later. The Branches continue to stay conscious in their ice prisons, and neither has made a move to come inside for warmth.

Finally, the camera jerked back, and I noticed that one of the Branches had lost his deathly pallor. Has the lazy slug decided to take me up on my offer?

Oh, he's just decided to die already.


And that's where I hit a snag. A huge horrible snag that reminded me I ought to save more often. Upon raising the second Branch, Grim threw a tantrum about being unable to reach the flabby corpse. Moments later, the corpses and Grim disappeared, but only one set of remains were left behind. I checked all over the property (including under that damned foundation), but there were no Branch remains to be found. 

The string of profanities unleashed following this incident knows no equal. I can't lose those remains!


I decided to quit without saving, and I quickly moved the Branches off the raised foundation, assuming this would fix the issue.

It would have. But this time around one of the asshole ghosts decided to go warm up one of the freezing Branches just before his timer ran out.
Still suffering from two days without sleep or food, he stood up only to pass out again. Sorry Branch, you still didn't make it out on your own power.

So instead of getting two frozen sims...

I wound up with one frozen ghost and one that starved to death (but is still fat). I seriously wish I could kill that nincompoop again.

 I may need to knock that wall out sooner than I had anticipated.

The other Branches decided to comfort one of the new orphans by allowing him to bathe in a warm puddle of piss. That was rather thoughtful of them. 

 I just have no words for the nightmare in the dining room.