A History of Dipshittery

Branch is continuing to adjust to his new surroundings and companions. Oddly, he is not friends with himself, but then again, if I were Branch Timbley, I wouldn't like myself either.

Let's get to know our subject a little better:

Branch the lard laden fairy Timbley is a young adult residing in Moonlight Falls. When not being kidnapped for horrifying experiments, he generally lives with a vampire named Dayvid Musgrave. 

A cursory examination of Branch's traits reveals that he's going to be a giant pain in the ass.

16 slobs living in one household. What have I done? I'm sure as shit not getting this guy a maid. He can stew in his own filth. A more pressing concern is the lucky trait. This trait cuts down on the likelihood of starting fires, getting hit by lightning and meteors, being electrocuted, and picking the wrong jelly bean. 

We can't have that.

I had intended to leave him unedited, but this trait just won't fit. And let's be honest, any Sim in my care isn't exactly what anyone would call lucky. So I swapped out the lucky trait for a randomly selected trait (different for each Branch). That should add a little more variety to the facility. I also reserve the right to remove the handy trait from them in the future. 

From the looks of his traits, there is nothing obvious that would make him an unrepentant douchebag, but there must be something hidden deep in his code that causes him to be a giant pain in my ass. Let's review the events that led to his confinement:

My first encounter with old hamhocks McGee occured when the Marble family graciously invited this hambeast to an evening party. He managed to show up three hours late, and he made a beeline for a very expensive guitar. He horrified the party goers with his own mashup of Justin Bieber's 'Baby' and the entire Nickelback discography. Needless to say, my party ended shortly after his arrival, but Branch didn't get the hint when I turned off the lights in the ballroom. No, he decided to spend the night playing until he peed on my floor. He then absconded with my guitar. Had he left and never came back after that incident, I may have forgotten him. 

He just moved the party to a different part of my lot. 

Since my house apparently has no walls, my sims were forced to listen to this fae land whale pounding out the soothing sounds of Rebekah Black -- for three days.

Random townies would gather to watch this nonsense unfolding. Zack Durwood stayed so long he passed out on the sidewalk. Even worse, my stupid kid (Cotton) was drawn to him as though he was some sort of pied piper. I had to remove his free will to force him to eat or use the toilet, and he repeatedly missed school to stare blankly at the songsmith destroying everything good and holy on his front lawn.

I still may have forgotten him if he had cut the shit at this point.

Fast forward to the point where the Cotton is now a young adult. After surviving his terrible childhood, he managed to bring his imaginary friend to life, and they fell in love. *cue sappy music* It was quite a sweet love story, and I arranged for a romantic proposal on the recently renovated beach in MF. I planned on letting the couple have a quiet picnic on the beach before Cotton popped the question, but I turned the camera to discover that Branch and his posse of fat fairies had parked themselves at the picnic spot. Of course. I sighed and started queuing up romantic socials to get them to that critical point. Things were going along well until flabby fairies started zooming around in their swimwear. Each time I tried to get a shot of the happy couple, I had large expanses of pale blubber in the shot. Growing more annoyed, I kept fiddling with the camera while Cotton worked his magic. Finally, the option to propose appeared, and I lined it up after another kiss....and Branch decided he wanted to complain to the would-be fiance about dirty dishes. Cotton drops to his knee, and after a few tense moments...."No, I'm too distracted by this tub of lard to promise to spend the rest of my life with you." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? YOU FUCKERS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE YOU WERE KIDS, AND YOU'RE BOTH ROLLING WANTS TO MARRY EACH OTHER, AND YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NO!?!

*trigger ragequit*

In my rage, I managed to take no pictures of the event. Please accept this atrocious artist rendition of the day's heart wrenching events.

I know you're likely experiencing Cotton's pain after the realism of this image, but I hope you'll manage to continue because we're not done yet.



I generally build in clean saves of Moonlight Falls because it seems to load faster than any of the other worlds. Because I save frequently (I've learned my lesson far too many times), a world that will save in less than a minute is a definite draw, but it also means that Branch is everywhere. Not only is he everywhere, he likes to creep around and stare at my buildings for days on end. It's like he is contemplating how he is going to screw with this new family before they even exist. While building the church in one of my previous posts, I panned over the roof to see this:

Are you kidding me....

He hung around for a few days while I continued to build and play test, so I decided to distract him. I exercised my powers as sim god to make this happen.

And he completely ignored it and continued the conversation he was having on the porch.

So I invited him over to swim in my pool. In the middle of winter.....naked. ****CAUTION: NAKED HAMFAIRY TO FOLLOW****

















You were warned.

 It's such a shame when you keep forgetting to get out of the pool when you're drowning in freezing water.

Grim dreads the heavy lifting ahead of him.

As good as that felt, I still didn't feel the score was settled. Oh, but it will be.



For our next chapter:


24 toilets and they still piss on the floor. Good job, dickhead.