Pool's Closed

Like all posts on this blog, you should not view this if you have an aversion to death, nudity, profanity, filth, or comically-sized penises. Take the content warning on the front page seriously! 

Fall has finally arrived at the BMCBF. This beautiful season is accompanied by the changing trees, the arrival of the fall festival, the increasing stench of Branch's kitchen, and the need to make some changes to the exterior area of the lot.

Pool's closed, Branch

I tried to add a fence to keep the hapless idiots out of the freezing water, but apparently these two didn't get the memo before the fence was erected. Sorry, the BMCBF planning committee said the pool would be closed at 12pm on Monday, and we will not change our plans.

Initially, Branch appeared unperturbed by his new predicament. Dumbass, you're in the ultimate breath holding contest. Do you really think it's wise to be using up your energy like this?

 Don't say I didn't try to warn you. As Branch started to flail his jiggly arms in pathetic desperation, Branch stood by whining about how tired he was. Don't bother to help your friend, asshole.

 This is starting to remind me of the end scenes of Open Water.  I can't wait until we have sharks...

 And then there was one. That's right, Branch, there's a big damn fence in your way. You should have heeded the memos.

 Your panic delights me.

 Bye, Branch.

With all the new pregnancies, I'm lucky that I managed to get a twofer. We need to make room in the facility for all of the new Branches...and a new arrival who should be showing up any time now.

 While I was reveling in my evil delight, I started to wonder where Grim was. Not that I would mind having two bodies at the bottom of the pool forever, but he's generally much quicker.

Oh...you're going to have your death scene under the foundation, fantastic. I initially assumed that was one of the newly departed Branches, but it is one of the previous kills showing up to watch.

 It seems I missed the first raising entirely while I was searching for Grim, but I managed to see the second soggy Branch go.

 Collecting a double load of Branch seemed to push Grim over the edge. He had to stay around to meow at the remains a bit.

 Turns out if you slaughter sims on your lot on Spooky day, a Cacklin Nackerbell will show up. I'm inclined to think that two Branches for a gnome is the best trade ever.

It looks like the hall of remembrance is going to need an expansion if I keep losing so many Branches.


Elsewhere in the facility, life continues as normal.

 Branch continues to refuse to consistently use one of the 24 toilets or beds. I'm starting to think that he is more in need of potty training than the toddler.

 An unfathomable dispute about bugs has caused a gaping rift between the living and the dead Branches. Perhaps they were disputing what type of roach is crawling across the counter.

 I think Branch is starting to see the error of his ways. It seems as though he now hates himself as much as I do.

 Growing tired of the constantly screaming, filthy toddler, I decided a birthday was long overdue. Of note, this is the thinnest Branch will ever be.

 Considering his surroundings, it is really no surprise that Branch developed the evil trait. He must be taking after his sim god.

 After being ignored by his parents and all of the other living Branches, baby Branch decided to side with the ghosts on the roach issue.

 I've also discovered penis sliders. Best. CC. Ever. While I would assume that Branch is actually in possession of a micro penis, I decided that I should "gift" him to make up for all of the tragedy he has been forced to endure.

And I mean really gift him...

On this day, the sim god said, "let there be penises."

 His wang is so large, he didn't even have to have any ribs removed to perform this trick.

 "Dude, get your dick out of the salad."

Love is in the air (Or is that body odor)

So I realized that I didn't say that much about baby Branch. Honestly, I don't give a shit about this burrito. It's sort of like getting attached to livestock, only more gruesome.

 

The little shit machine was born with the artistic trait, and I graced him with the slob trait. He really should have been given the "able to flee from death" trait, but it seems EA overlooked that one. Also note the QUALITY PARENTING. Leaving your baby a cement floor in the middle of a busy walkway is absolutely the best way to go.

Of course, it seems that his dads had more important things to do...

 Ahh...forced love

 STAHP! You're making me sick.

I didn't realize Branch was this strong. I figured it would require a front end loader to perform this trick.

 Oh god, what are you doing? What kind of narcissist do you have to be to marry yourself?

Of course he said yes *sigh*. I suppose you fuckers are going to make me arrange a wedding for you.

 STAHP IT! OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, I CAN SEE THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT! *Vomits uncontrollably* You're all welcome for the free birth control.

 And baby Branch has been left abandoned all of this time. Thankfully, another Branch decided to pick him up just in time for his birthday. As an aside, did you know that slobs also fail to autonomously change diapers? I'm pretty sure baby Branch didn't get his diaper changed the entire time he was an infant. I finally caved and forced one of the Branches to do it after he aged up. 

 Branch, you look even dumber as a child than you do as an adult. I thought kids were supposed to be cute.

 Outstanding, you're really endearing yourself to me. Let me guess, you're pointing to the empty cavity in your head that should contain a brain?

 "Let me dooowwwwwn! I want to pick my nose and shit on the floor! And your pits smell like aaaasssssssss."

Well, I can't imagine that this child will ever be trained to walk, talk, or poop (not that he'd be smart enough to learn anyhow), so I'm curious to see what trait he'll get assigned.



As soon as baby Branch aged up, he decided to go exploring. Here at the BMCBF, we believe that the best way to build a child's immune system is to expose them to germs at an early age. We believe in the flooding method. If our theory is correct, this Branch is likely to never get sick again.

Which is probably a good thing. I've tried my best to force them to clean this mess up, but I can only manage to get them to stack a few plates before they abandon the task, so we now have tiny towers of filth everywhere. The kitchen is so filthy that the flies and green clouds are actually causing my computer to lag when I view that area. I really should just nuke this place from orbit.


While I was busy following baby Branch around, a terrible event took place in the dining area. A few more of the Branches have decided to get acquainted.



*gags* This is really all too creepy to tolerate.


After following them for a bit, they decided to retire to the bedroom. I generally play while listening to music or an audiobook on my ipod, so I was caught completely off guard the next day when  the camera jerked around to show me this:

 Branch! You whore!

I was even more shocked when the camera then jerked to show me this:

I came close to deleting the save when the camera did it for a third time. In my horror, I failed to grab a picture, but trust me, this nightmare is happening. I have three pregnant Branches in the facility. As close as I can figure, both members of the newly engaged couple are pregnant, and one of the Branches from the new couple is knocked up.

Three baby Branches...  Shoot me now.

 

 Before I end this post, you should really take another look at this mess. I'm astounded that this is even possible. I keep waiting for one of them to break character and beg for a maid.

 And a picture to leave you wondering. How in the hell does he get his ass in the air with those tiny little wings?

Lightning Doesn't Strike Twice

I trust that you have had time to recover from the shock of seeing the full force of Branch's love from himself. I've never spent more time gagging while setting up poses than I did for the Branch lovin.

Now, back to our experiment. When I left you last time, I showed you that we were going to have a new member in the facility. I mean, who wouldn't want to bring a new life into this place:


After 3 days of the worst case of constipation ever, Branch decided to lube up and squeeze our new member out.

Background Branch: "Oh god! What the fuck are you doing? You can't shit in the dining room!"

"How'd you manage to wrap your turd in a blanket?"





Welcome to the world, baby Branch! Don't worry, due to a lack of an OMGWTFBBQ for TS3, the Branch burrito will have to wait until he is older to be tortured.

Also note the rare moment where all of the Branches are reasonably happy.

We can't have that shit.

So with all the joy of a new babby in the facility, it got me thinking about the other side of this "circle of life." It's all about balance, so somebody must die.

Welcome to the Pen of Enlightenment. As always, our subject is Branch Timbley. He's already pissing and moaning about being hungry, but he shouldn't worry about starving to death. However, I do think he should get out his umbrella to take shelter from the pouring rain. 

Much better! Try to ignore the giant scorch mark at his feet. We'll just pretend that I didn't already try to zap him a few times with debug enabler.

After flailing around with triggering lightning strikes on the ground, I finally figured out how to hone in on my target. YAHTZEE!

SON OF A BITCH! Three strikes later and he is still standing there taunting me. Why won't this fucker die?

*tries again* VICTORY WILL BE MINE! (Apparently this is all I could capture of him being lit up with electricity.) Damn shame. And he's still standing.... *engage rage-mode*

 *tries one more time* HA! This isn't really what I planned, but I'll take a fire death.

Burn, Branch, burn!

Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently the rain extinguished him. If he thinks he's walking out of this pen alive just because he managed to escape 8 lightning strikes, he doesn't know his sim god very well.

 *engage lightning strike spam* Oooh this looks promising.

 Yes....

 YESSSS

YEEEESSSSSSSS!! Did you really think you could escape my clutches so easily?

 Grim showed up promptly to retrieve his hefty prize. I was starting to assume that he would be getting sick of coming to this lot, but it seems that he approves:

Even Grim thinks it is awesome when you die, Branch.

Considering how often Grim is bound to show up at the facility, I think it's time we get to know him a little better.

He'll steal your shit, forget to collect the bodies, but he'll probably clean up after himself. Still more likeable than Branch.

What does it say about you when Death gets a boner while collecting your body? I think I should have sent some lube with dead Branch.